Book Summary 6/5: Attached By Amir Levine & Rachel S.F. Heller
Weekly Self-Education To Help Young Men Master All Areas Of Life & Become The Best Version Of Themselves.
Happy Money Monday everyone!
Today’s book summary is on the social pillar of your life, love, and romance!
Attached By Amir Levine & Rachel S.F. Heller.
This is an amazing book on romance and relationships.
The golden nugget of this book learning about the different attachment styles that everyone has.
So let’s get straight into it.
Why is This Book Important For Me To Read?
First things first, if you think this book is pointless then you know nothing about human nature and happiness.
Love and our social life are extremely important parts of us humans because we’re wired to be social creatures.
It’s like the authors say, our need for someone to share our lives with is part of our genetic makeup and has nothing to do with how much we love ourselves or how fulfilled we feel on our own.
No matter how independent we might be it's normal to crave a partner and intimacy.
It’s no longer a choice or a preference, It’s needed in our life because love brings pleasure to us like nothing else.
Romance and love are even tied to our well-being and health!
Studies show that once we become attached to someone, the two of us form a physiological unit.
Meaning our partners regulate our blood pressure, our heart rate, our breathing, and the level of hormones in our blood.
So basically when two people form an intimate healthy relationship, they regulate each other's emotional well-being.
Amazing right?
So yes it is very important to know what attachment style you and your partner are.
This will help you understand your specific needs in relationships, your partner’s needs, and who will or will not be able to meet those needs.
But also if you’re already in a relationship, this book can and will still help you.
If you are already in a relationship with a partner who has an attachment style that conflicts with your own, you'll gain insight into why you both think and act as you do and learn strategies to improve your satisfaction level.
You'll start to experience change for the better
I’m going to break down each attachment style, and what each of them consists of.
I want you to use this book to determine your own attachment style.
So you can use the detailed relationship wisdom in this book to find happiness in your romantic connections and soar in all areas of your life.
Healthy romance brings happiness and when your brain is filled with positive emotions, all the other areas of your life will flourish.
Not the other way around.
Love is beautiful and in the end, the most important life decision you’ll ever make is who you chose to spend the rest of your life with.
And there’s no better way than finding the best person for you strategically.
So let’s get into the different attachment styles
The 3 Types Of Attachment Styles In Every Relationship:
Secure
Secure people are ones that feel comfortable with intimacy, they’re usually warm and loving.
They’re okay with being attached to someone and they don’t mind working with someone.
They also have great intangible traits like being reliable, consistent, and trusting.
Their emotional system doesn’t get too riled up, so they don’t get anxious like the next attachment style coming up.
But they also don’t shut down and become avoidant either.
This is probably where you want to get yourself to in a relationship.
You want to be and feel secure.
Studies show this is the best predictor of happiness in a relationship.
You’re not constantly worrying about your partner, and you’re constantly avoiding your partner.
It’s the sweet spot right in the middle.
Anxious
The second attachment style is anxious people.
These people crave intimacy but are preoccupied with their relationship because they're worried about their partner not loving them back.
"Is he cheating on me / why hasn’t he texted me back" are thoughts that constantly run through their brain.
The problem with this style is that you’re constantly stressed because you’re constantly worried.
These people have a lot of fear and they're dramatic so they’re very hard to predict.
I would probably avoid partners and even friends with this style because as I said, they’re unpredictable.
So you have no idea what they can or will do someday.
Avoidant
The third and final attachment style is avoidant people.
These people constantly try to minimize closeness and intimacy.
They hate when they're with someone but miss them when they're apart.
They don't feel the need or consider others’ needs because they simply just don’t care most of the time.
They’re also closed books and don't really express their feelings and this can be a real problem when trying to be intimate with someone else.
One good trait from these people is being very independent which helps them survive better.
But it gets lonely after a while just being by yourself which can invite other negative emotions into your body.
As I said, we’re wired to be social so I don’t think constantly maneuvering to keep people at a distance is the best choice either.
Signs Of Secure People
So now that you have an idea of what all 3 attachment styles are, as you can probably guess, secure is probably the best choice.
It won’t be easy turning yourself into a secure person, especially if you’re already one of the other two.
But with time and work, you’ll get there and this book will help you do that.
These are some things you can start implementing in your life and relations to become more of a secure person.
Great conflict busters
Secure people are really good conflict solvers.
During a fight, they don't feel the need to act defensively or injure or punish their partner.
This is a big one.
Mentally Flexible
Secure people are mentally flexible.
They’re not threatened by criticism and are able to reconsider their ways if necessary.
Meaning they don’t have strong convictions, and always keep an open mind to everything.
Effective Communicators
Secure people are effective communicators.
Expressing their feelings freely and accurately to their partners comes naturally.
Not Game Players
Secure people don’t have time for games.
They want closeness and believe others want the same, so why play games?
Comfortable With Closeness & Unconcerned About Boundaries
Secure people don’t shy away from closeness or intimacy.
They seek it and they aren't afraid of being slighted or enmeshed.
Quick To Forgive
This is a big one and will probably be one of the hardest ones but it' goes a long way.
Secure people don’t hold on to things, they let go and forgive.
They assume their partners' intentions are good and are therefore likely to forgive.
Treat Their Partners Like Royalty
Secure people treat other’s the best way that they can.
When you've become part of their inner circle, they treat you with love and respect.
View Sex and Emotional Intimacy As One
Secure people don't feel the need to create distance separating sex and emotional intimacy.
They view them as one.
5 Secure Principles For Resolving Conflict:
Now here are 5 BONUS ways to secure people and resolve conflict:
Show basic concern for the other person well being.
Maintain focus on the problem at hand.
Refrain from generalizing the conflict.
Be willing to engage.
Effectively communicate feelings and needs.
Conflict can serve as opportunities for couples to get closer and deepen their bond.
Arguing isn't always bad depending on how and what you argue about.
It can grow you guys to be stronger or it can break you.
Final Thoughts
So that’s it for today’s value-packed newsletter!
There is a lot of practical information here that you can start applying immediately.
I think the takeaway of today is security and getting yourself to be secure in your relationships and in your life as a whole.
Secureness is the key to a happy social life.
When we feel secure in relationships, we take risks, We’re creative and we pursue our dreams.
When our partners are thoroughly dependable and they make us feel safe, especially if they know how to reassure us during hard times, we can turn our attention to all the other aspects of life that make our experience meaningful.
Our partners affect our ability to thrive in the world.
They influence how we feel about ourselves and whether we will attempt to achieve our hopes and dreams.
Having a partner who fulfills our attachment needs and makes us feel comfortable acting as a safe haven for us can help us remain emotionally and physically healthier and live longer.
If you follow the attachment principles outlined in this book, you will be actively giving yourself the best shot at finding and keeping a deeply gratifying love.
Instead of leaving one of the most important aspects of your life to chance…
Question:
What is your attachment style?
Leave a comment below!
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